I have never seen a man rock a fanny pack like Ricky.
There is so much to unpack in this episode, but what I'm most disturbed about is Ricky's inability to TAKE THE FANNY PACK OFF. No one wants to see that on a first date, Ricky. You have a producer with you at ALL TIMES. You're not going to get robbed; you're going to be just fine.
Here are my Top 8 moments of Episode 2: Face to Face.
1 — Rachel is Stood Up At The Airport
This is pretty insane, being that Rachel is traveling with an INFANT, and these two have NEVER MET. How could he possibly NOT make it to the airport to meet her?
This would have been a total deal-breaker for me. I don't care if you don't have a car, or a license, get in a goddam Uber and help me with my luggage, dude.
What's even more irritating is that the show NEVER gives any explanation as to WHY Jon didn't show up at the airport? I guess we'll never know...
2 —Paul's Luggage Gets Lost
I don't know which part was better: Paul dressing like a 1980s security guard for his flight, or the fact that his luggage got 'lost.' I wonder if the producers paid the airline to make this happen, because it's just a little too perfect that the most OCD person ever on the show, who has packed 500 pounds of luggage for each trip to the Amazon, arrives in Brazil without a single suitcase.
Good thing he left his luggage from LAST year with Karine in Brazil. Although he's missing the 500 new stuffed animals he bought for her. Sad emoji.
3 — We Meet Tarik, the Next Catfish Victim
Tarik has just discovered that Asian women are hot, like, last year. Like a majority of the train wrecks on this show, his love interest is about 20 years younger than him. Tarik decided a few years ago he wanted to "meet new people" and so he "went to Asia." This is a suspicious and creepy storyline to begin with, but we're watching 90 Day Fiance here so it's par for the course.
Hazel, Tarik's Filipino girlfriend, is supposed to be 25, but she looks roughly 18 at best, and the reason I'm saying 18 is because I'm not sure if I'll get in trouble for saying how old I really think she looks.
I have a hard time with Tarik because his daughter is prominently featured, and I have a hard time in general with people on this show who have kids.
4 —Karine Managed to Learn One English Phrase; Paul Managed to Learn Zero Portuguese Phrases.
We at least know that Karine has managed to say "You're beautiful" in English.
Paul, on the other hand, can't even manage the word "sad" in Portuguese.
Paul. Some advice. Invest in some f*cking Rosetta Stone, my friend. Or get Duo Lingo, it's FREE. Learn some words. Maybe just a few nouns. (airport. girl. car.) I mean, seriously, how can you put ZERO effort into this? You can't just keep adding 'o' to the end of all English words and think it's Portuguese.
5 — Angela Buys THE Most Incredible Gift for Michael's Mother.
A purse displaying the Lord's Prayer.
Please someone tell me where I can purchase this exact item.
I have no words.
6 —Ricky Wears the Fanny Pack. Forever.
Ricky, my boy, you are WEARING that fanny pack!
Melissa isn't answering Ricky's text messages, even though he has ARRIVED in Medellin and still thinks it's a drug trafficking capital like in 1998.
We're still unsure if Melissa is going to show. Ricky has been waiting for her for 2 hours in a restuarant. Wearing the fanny pack. Will she show up? I'm going to go with NO.
7 —Darcey and Jesse...
Just no. Please go away.
(Side Note: Darcey, your skin looks GREAT.)
8 - Jon has Lucy's Umbilical Cord.
Wha wha wha wha wha WHAT?
Is it even legal to send human body parts overseas?
Side note: Jon's friends are concerned that Rachel might 'chew weird' - that would really be the least of my concerns.