It’s a new season of 90 Day Fiancé: Before the 90 Days, and I could not be more giddy.
90 Day Fiancé: Before the 90 Days, is by far the best show in the 90 Days franchise, because there are so many possible outcomes. There’s no engagement yet, most are traveling outside the country for the first time (like, ever), and in general it’s a total sh*tshow and I’m into it.
I present to you, dear friends, this season’s couples.
1 — Angela (52, American) and Michael (30, Nigerian)
Angela is the feminist hero America has been waiting for. This 52-year-old woman from from Georgia has found her Nigerian prince, and damnit she’s going to fly to Nigeria — which Angela believes is ‘a state or something in Africa’ — to propose to her man. It should be easy for Michael to identify Angela at the airport since she believes she will be ‘the only white person over there.’ (There = Africa.)
I’m particularly proud of Hazlehurst’s cakemaker, who, in a town of 4,000 people, correctly identified Nigeria on the map.
I’m rooting for Angela, mainly because she seems like a great hang. She’s definitely the most fun person in Hazlehurst, Georgia, and if I lived there I would absolutely seek her out.
2 — Rachel (33, American) and Jon (35, English)
When Rachel got a divorce, she decided she needed a new hobby. Apparently ‘karaoke apps’ is what came to mind first. While Rachel was singing online, she found out she was pregnant. Not with Jon’s baby — her and Jon have never actually met in person. Because he can’t get a visa. Because he was allegedly in a bar fight so American won’t let him in.
Rachel describes Jon as ‘the perfect English gentleman,’ which tells me she clearly hasn’t met many English guys.
3 — Ricky (33, American), and Melissa (24?, Colombian)
I’m 100% in on Ricky because he’s from my hometown of Columbus, Ohio. Ricky is potentially the worst professional photographer ever, based on the 30-second clip of his shoot with a guitar player in his living room. Ricky also has a daughter, Amber (12 years old) who might be the smartest person in this season’s cast.
Ricky turns to Colombia to find a woman, and, like most men on this show, is completely blinded by boobs. He talks briefly about Melissa’s ‘other qualities’ but I’m pretty sure that still just means her boobs.
Oh yeah, and Ricky isn’t quite divorced yet. He’s working on it. At the end of the day, he’s going to Medellin, which is a super awesome place, so he’s really got nothing to lose.
4 — Darcey (42, American), and Jesse (22, Dutch)
This sh*tshow is back from last season, better than ever. I will say, Darcey is looking hot — way hotter than Jesse, who is totally full of himself. Darcey mentions she’s done ‘some work on herself,’ and I’m not sure if that means she’s been going to the gym or got some rhinoplasty. Either way, I want to know who her plastic surgeon is, because she does look really good.
If you watched last season, you’ll know three important things about Jesse.
- Jesse thinks that Darcey is an alcoholic because she drinks wine sometimes.
- Jesse gave Darcey a promise ring, which is something that should be reserved only for middle school couples, and maybe high schoolers under limited circumstances.
- Jesse has anger issues, which is very obvious from watching about 1 minute of their reel, but constantly talks about what Darcey should do to ‘fix herself.’
Darcey, girlfriend, there is nothing wrong with you and you are looking hot hot hot! (I feel the need to tell you that since Jesse never will.)
5 — Paul (28, American) and Karine (21, Brazilian)
I’m also very excited that Paul is back, partly because I needed a recap how to use condoms to prevent microscopic Amazonian microorganisms from crawling up my urethra.
However, looks like we may only see one more season of Paul, since Karine has reportedly been flirty with other guys on social media. I have news for you, dear Paul: This has way less to do with your criminal record, and way more to do with the fact that Karine is a super hot 21-year old Brazilian girl who probably just wants to flirt with hot guys.
I’m really hoping this couple sticks together, because I really want to watch Paul pack for subsequent trips to the Amazon.
Well, that’s all for Episode One. I can’t wait to see Rachel meet Jon, what diseases Paul contracts in the Amazon, and if Melissa is a real person. Can. Not. Wait.