Michael drives Angela back to Lagos (without charging her a BJ); Ximena (sort of) forgives Ricky; Marta and Daya say 3 words to each other; and someone on this show actually f*kcing eats something.
Here's my recap of Episode 8: Expecting the Unexpected.
1 — Jesse and Darcey
We follow Darcey to her cousin’s hair salon where she confesses that - SURPRISE - things have been ‘tense' between her and Jesse since he has been back in Amsterdam.
I’m just blown away that this is Darcey’s real hair.
Darcey hasn’t seen Jesse in ‘several months’ and communication has been ‘less.’ But then… another SURPRISE… Jesse tells her he is coming to America in three weeks to see her! She packs up her entire closet in three giant bags that she attempts to carry herself and heads off in her eight-inch heels to catch the train to New York City.
We know from a conversation between Jesse and his friend back in Amsterdam that Jesse is coming to break up with Darcey.
“Dude, you should just FaceTime,” the friend advises, but hey, where’s the free refills if he doesn’t come all the way to his beloved CT!?
Jesse is a MAN, and a MAN ends things in person!
Marta, decked out in a silk bathrobe and a cross necklace, video chats with Daya, who doesn’t speak a word of English past “How are you.”
“Do you like my necklace?” she asks.
“I’m Muslim,” he responds.
Marta explains via Google Translate on a new (un-cracked) iPad that she needs a letter of invitation to go to Algeria. Daya promises to send it.
3 —Jon and Rachel
Someone in this relationship is finally going to see a f*cking lawyer.
Jon and Rachel are getting married, so Jon can ‘fight for the right to be with [his] wife.’ Even though this is a better route, per the lawyer, it will still cost thousands of dollars and they could wait up to three years.
IT’S. NOT. FAIR.
Will someone please give this girl a freakin’ tissue? Are there no Kleenex in New Mexico?
Then Rachel goes wedding dress shopping with the most unhelpful friend ever.
Rachel hates all two dresses that she tries on, and she also seems to hate herself, and those babies that ruined her body.
She chooses a dress with sleeves, accented with a black tank top underneath. She loves it. Unfortunately, it costs $750, which she can’t afford, so she leaves the store empty-handed.
What was her wedding dress budget anyway? I’m confused.
4—Angela and Michael
It’s the next morning after BJ-gate, and Angela is still pissed that Michael was chasing tail. If only he had been charging women oral sex for rides, then he’d be the perfect man!
Angela agrees to ride back to Lagos with Michael (as if she had another option?), but with the caveat that he doesn’t touch her in the car. I hope she remembers the price Michael charges women for rides in his car - and Lagos seems pretty far…
Once they’re back in Lagos, Angela says she might give Michael one more chance. BUT THEN, Michael gives her a cake. It says he loves her. They eat it together.
Finally, FINALLY, someone on this show is f*cking eating something.
5—Ricky and Ximena and The Fanny Pack
Ximena runs away from Ricky after learning the truth about MELISSA, and Ricky just sits there and ‘hopes she comes back.’
Good plan, Ricky.
In the morning, Ximena forgives Ricky.
6 - Tarik and Hazel
Tarik and Hazel are on their romantic trip to El Nido, and it looks incredible. So incredible that I kind of want to be on this romantic trip, even if it’s with Tarik and Hazel, just so I can put my feet in that sand.
Tarik is concerned that Hazel isn’t being affectionate with him. Hazel explains she can’t hold hands until she’s married. (Hey, at least she’s consistent.)
“Do you think you’ll propose?” a producer asks Tarik.
He hides a diamond engagement ring on top of the hotel dresser just in case.
7 —Paul and Karine
The baby bomb we all knew was coming, has arrived.
Karine wants a divorce, and Paul calls his mom for advice.
“Should I divorce Karine!?” Paul asks his mother for the seventh time.
“YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL,” she reiterates for the seventeenth time.
Karine calls Paul from ‘the clinic’ and we already know where this is headed. She’s pregnant, but TLC insists on dragging it on and on while we talk to a nurse and go buy Karine a giant ice cream while her and Paul wait 2 hours for the results.
Karine’s mother is beside herself, now that Paul is here to stay. See above.