Jesse describes his love for refills; Michael becomes the first person to lie about NOT cheating; Ricky takes Ximena to an island so she can’t escape; and we meet single-mom-exotic-dancer-catholic Marta, FINALLY.
Here's my recap of Episode 7: Truth or Lie.
1 — Jesse and Darcey
We start out in CT, where Jesse is packing his giant camouflage duffle roller bag for the 11th time today.
Darcey says they broke up the night before. SIKE! They broke up for like 3 minutes but now they’re totally back together.
Jesse still thinks they can “do beautiful things together.” They talk about fresh starts and new beginnings, and I’m just hoping we never see them (together) again.
Jesse insists on saying goodbye to Darcey’s beautiful and extremely emotionally-intelligent daughters, who play along although it’s clear they couldn’t give two shits about Jesse. Both Aspen and Aniko provide awkward polite smiles and grudgingly give Jesse a hug.
If these two insist on getting back together they have some serious weight-loss in their future, because they can’t even finish a meal together.
The infamous drive the airport commences, and they’re already fighting again.
Jesse wants to move to “CT” as he calls it - he just loves those free refills! “You mean for the family love?” Darcey asks. Nah, just that unlimited Diet Coke.
SURPRISE - there’s traffic in New York City, so it’s taking longer than expected to get to the airport. Of course, this is Darcey’s fault. (At least they actually made it to the airport because I don’t really want to see this car ride dragged out for another episode.)
TLC tries to make it a heart felt goodbye but I am so over it. #fakenews
Milwaukee Marta is HERE, b*tches!
Marta’s got two kids - and 8-year-old and a 6-year-old. We don’t see much of them but I’m sure they’re very smart, just like all the other kids we see on this show.
Marta’s Algerian-Maybe-Moroccan boyfriend is definitely good-looking, and he’s also a “family man.” (Marta’s words.) Does that mean he already has a family? Oh yeah, his name is Diya.
These two have been chatting for a while, and Marta is DONE with the pen pal bullshit so she’s packing her bags and heading to Algeria!
What do her kids know about Diya? He "likes to work out" and has “rock hard abs," says her son. It’s obvious Marta has told her kids about his best qualities.
Diya wants Marta to convert to Islam, but she’s a die-hard Catholic. This has caused disagreements, as we see via Marta’s terribly-cracked iPad screen of hears and angry face emojis.
Then we ‘learn’ what we already knew - Marta is an exotic dancer at a sad-looking airport strip club. Marta’s just not any exotic dancer, though. She’s a THIRD GENERATION exotic dancer. Take that.
Marta’s mom Juanita makes an appearance to voice her concern over Marta’s trip to Algeria. Juanita went to a psychic and the psychic told her that Marta was in danger.
Perhaps it’s Juanita who is the feminist hero we’ve been waiting for.
3 —Jon and Rachel
Back in the UK, Jon is really rocking the baby bjorn, as Rachel, Jon and Lucy all board the London Eye. It’s almost Rachel’s last day in England - probably because for some reason she only went for a week. ONE WEEK.
They talk about their relationship, and I fall asleep for a few minutes.
They finally discuss plans for visas, and Jon just assumes if they get married in the UK that “America will let in.” I’m not really sure it works like that, and luckily Rachel has enough sense to seek legal advice when she’s back in Albuquerque. Better call Saul, Rachel.
Then we have the fortunate pleasure of meeting Matt - Jon’s best friend. I wonder if he knows Tuck and Turtle.
Matt is concerned… about Rachel. She has more to lose, and Jon hasn’t exactly been faithful in the past. What makes Jon confident that he’s changed his ways?
When Jon mentions a past open relationship, a wry smile comes over Matt’s face. “Told you so,” his face says.
Then we have a lot of discussion about Jon’s sexual history, but I tune out, because I don’t want to have nightmares.
We finish with Rachel leaving - Jon has made his way to the airport this time - and she heads back to America with Lucy.
4—Angela and Michael
Angela and Michael head to the beach. The scenery looks incredible - but do they seem to enjoy that at all? No, sir. They’re busy discussing Michael’s social media, Angela’s lack-of-presence on Michael’s phone photo-roll, and **** jobs.
“The **** job thing!” yells Angela, with an immediate cut to commercial. WHAT **** JOB THING?
“I’m no dummy!” she follows up.
WHAT *** JOB THING?
I started to type out this conversation ver batim, but the tears from laughter in my keyword were putting my computer at risk.
In sum: A girl in Michael’s neighborhood needed a ride one day, and Michael drove her somewhere in his fancy car in exchange for a **** job. It’s very unclear why he chose to divulge this information to Angela.
Angela’s theory is that Michael was at the club, got drunk and horny, and hooked up with some chic.
Michael, looking defeated, says that Angela is right. Immediately I know that Angela is not right, but at this point Michael is looking for a way out, and Angela just handed it to him on a platter.
Michael calls Scottie to explain that he doesn’t know how to control Angela and that that Angela misunderstood him. Angela calls Scottie and Scottie reminds her that MICHAEL IS SCAMMIN’ HER!
Michael has probably decided this just isn’t worth it, not even to get to America. He may try one of those other 1,000 women he still follows on Instagram.
“I just want to go and rest,” he tells the production team. I totally understand Michael. I feel like i need to go and rest too, and all I did was watch it on TV.
5—Ricky and Ximena and The Fanny Pack
Meanwhile Ricky takes Ximena to an island, so he can divulge the truth about Melissa in a place where she can’t escape quickly.
Ricky needs to tell Ximena the truth: That he was in love with another woman 5 days ago, but now he is absolutely certain Ximena is the only one for him.
Tomorrow he’s going to propose to Ximena with Melissa’s ring - Ricky thinks this might be bad luck - NBD! Let’s start this relationship off right!
Even on this isolated island, HE IS WEARING THE FANNY PACK.
Ricky takes Ximena to a romantic dinner so he can tell her about Melissa. He pours her some wine in hopes of getting her drunk first. Bad move, she will just get more angry, haven’t you ever been around drunk people?
He actually follows through - he tells Ximena about Melissa; Ximena looks genuinely horrified, and says she will never be anyone’s ‘second plate', and storms off. I am so proud of Ximena in this moment.
6 —Paul and Karine
Back in Brazil, a DEA agent walks through the streets… oh no wait that’s just Paul waltzing around in a bulletproof vest.
It’s two weeks after their wedding, and Paul says the marriage has been tense because of ‘cultural differences.' Cultural differences = Karine’s brother is eating all their food, and Pole is pissed about it.
Pole knows Karine is pissed off, so he picks some weeds on his way back from the store in hopes to make amends.
Pole and Karine then have a conversation that bored me, so I went to make a cup of tea, and I don’t really know what was said. When I came back, Karine was saying the D word, and Paul was screaming “FALA ME!” at least 67 times.
Paul describes it as a “nightmare” - exactly how you want to describe your marriage two weeks in!
The best thing that happened this episode is that David the translator is back! He brings together Mother Karine and Paul. Mother Karine wants to see them separated; Pole keeps ranting about the groceries. I’m bored.