Jesse and Darcey continue their steak-cutting conversation; Karine pretends not to know if she should marry Paul; Angela talks about ‘artificial-insermonation’ (it costs $23,000 BTW); Hazel divulges she’s talked to her ex, who owes her $75.
Here's my recap of Episode 6: Trust a Try.
1 — Jesse and Darcey
Back in Connecticut, we're STILL talking about cutting it on the bias.
Aspen rolls her eyes. Yeah, girl, I'm with you.
"Jesse just stormed out. We were cutting a steak," she explains.
Aniko: "Can we just go eat dinner?"
Jesse comes in to watch other people eat dinner, and let's Darcey know he won't be talking to her. He's "just here for the kids."
"Kids," Jesse? They're like 8 years younger than you.
"Why aren't you eating?" Aspen asks. "Both you guys are acting like you're my age." This girl. I'm dying.
Webster's Dictionary calls and asks if they can use this specific scene as the new definition for "awkward dinner."
Jesse goes on and on about how uncomfortable he is. Darcey tries to talk over him about god knows what. Aspen tells them both to shut the f*ck up, and eat the damn carrot cake.
Jesse refuses to eat cake because he didn't eat any steak, and he's a steak man. HE'S A STEAK MAN, DARCEY.
The next day, Darcey is stomping around the Airbnb in her leather Prada dress at 9am. Jesse is rambling about her assaulting her with a Louisbutton. He says he's scared. JESSE FEELS NOT SAFE ANYMORE.
Jesse wonders what she will throw at him next. A GLASS!? I hope it's the dull steak knife she used to cut that gross steak on the bias.
Jesse continues to threaten to call the cops over his stepped-on shoes, a'la Luis-at-Molly's house last season. He drags his 68 bags to the curb while Darcey ugly-cries.
Dear Lawd, I hope this relationship is finally over.
NOPE. WISHFUL THINKING.
Jesse is somehow back... AGAIN... dragging his 289 pound camouflage duffle bag, hating Darcey more than ever. He needs those TLC paychecks. He says he's back to make amends, but really he's back to keep telling Darcey what is wrong with her.
I. do. not. understand. why. he. came. back.
Then he calls her an alcoholic. Wait... what?
Go to Amsterdam, Jesse. Go to Amsterdam.
2 —Angela and Michael
I'm 98% sure that Michael and Angela alone could carry this entire show. The one-liners alone are impossible to keep up with.
Michael takes Angela to dinner at an awesome-looking outdoor restaurant. Of course he orders for her... wait... no it's not snails... it's cow hooves. Michael cackles as he nibbles on his completely-normal-looking chicken dish.
Angela needs to talk with Michael about something. She wants to make sure he's OK to take care of her when she's old. To be specific, she asks if he will 'wipe her butt when [she's] not able to."
Michael tells her not to worry. He will be LONG GONE before that ever happens.
Then Michael throws down the "I wanna have kids" bomb. He has heard there is science for this. Angela tells him it's a lot of money. "Artificial insemination costs a lot of money," she says. $23,000, to be exact. (Wow, that is VERY exact.) I don't think that's the 'science' we're talking about Angela...
I'm also pretty sure there's not enough money in the world to accomplish this. Angela's uterus has surely shriveled up in a cloud of cigarette smoke.
Michael tells her he will be by her side, while he's already thinking about how to google how long he must stay married to this woman before finding a new, younger baby-oven in America once he's got his green card.
Michael and Angela venture on to a small village, and Angela decides to wear tiny shorts. Angela sits down on a stool ad Michael tells her not to worry - it won't break. Everyone in the village is staring at them, and I don't blame them.
Angela confronts Michael for following 1,000 women on Insta. She admits - with zero shame - that she took his phone to look at who he follows on Instagram. The juxtaposition of this African village they're in, and Angela's freak-out about Michael's Instagram follwers is just too much.
Michael explains his social media is part of his master business plan a'la Donny Trump. Angela wants to know if he's "masterbatin' to 'em."
Michael tells her he will delete them, but really I'm guessing he just puts a lock on his phone. Get that 6 digit pin in place, OK Michael?
Fast forward to Angela dipping her hooves in the hotel pool, talking to her daughter, Scottie - the same one she attacked on Maury Pauvich several years ago. Apparently they're all good now.
Angela tells Scottie about all of Michael's "social media girls." "Of course I'm going to go through your phone!" she says.
Scottie imagines that Michael is "scamming lots of other women." Scottie throws down some truth, asking if she were a 52-year-old Nigerian woman, if Michael would still be interested. This does not give Angela even a second of pause. Of course he would still love her!
This will not end well.
3 —Jon and Rachel
We're back in Western-super-mare; the scenery is absolutely stunning. No Joke. Jon and Rachel are taking one of the most beautiful walks in all of England during sunset. I'm actually jealous for a hot second.
They're finally having the visa conversation. Rachel can't move to the UK because of her other daughter, but they don't know how to get Jon into America either. It's only a matter of days until TLC brings in the cut-rate immigration lawyer.
Jon says he will to "fight to get into America." Not a good idea, Jon. I'm pretty sure that's why he can't get into America in the first place.
Jon and Rachel talk to Rachel's dad about the fighting. "Fighting's not good," Rachel's dad explains. Thanks, Rachel's dad. "Try to talk your way out of it instead!" Rachel's dad advises. "You all love each other? We all good now? Ok, bye."
Then Jon proposes to Rachel. Lucy cries.
4—Tarik and Hazel
Tarik has somehow managed to catch up with Olympic runner Hazel back at the hotel.
He mentions he met her online just a few weeks ago. A FEW WEEKS AGO? I didn't realize this had all happened so very quickly.
Tarik still has questions about Hazel's ex-boyfriend. Hazel explains that he is still in possession of her bed and her clothes - which is half her net worth. This is why she's stuck wearing Tarik's flannel hat, you see. She needs these things back. Tarik says he will replace her things if she'll stop talking to the guy. The conversation ends.
Then Hazel somehow agrees to meet with Brother Dean again. But not before TLC continues with the making-fun-of-third-world-food game they've got going on. Hazel tries to feed Tarik an egg, except it's no ordinary egg. It's basically a duck fetus. He throws up on the street.
Dean arrives ready for the beach in bright blue board shorts. Tarik tells him about the duck fetus. PSA: All eggs are basically bird fetuses.
Dean immediately launches into offense again, asking Hazel if she's good enough at sex for Tarik. I want to punch him through the TV.
This is not an OK thing to say to any woman.
Dean thinks he's hilarious.
Hazel is MORTIFIED.
Hazel's like "OK, we out, you're on your own in Manilla," and just like that her and Tarik are off to some island.
5—Ricky and Ximena and Ghost of Melissa ... and Ricky's fanny pack
Back in Medellin, Ximena is "without words" talking about last nights "intimacy."
I just threw up a little bit in my mouth.
I wonder if Ricky wore the fanny pack to bed.
Ricky apologizes for calling Ximena the wrong name last night. That's right - he called out for Melissa. Don't worry, though! Quick-on-his-feet Ricky told Ximena that Melissa is a TLC producer.
God speed, Ricky.
Ricky "tries" to tell Ximena about Melissa exactly 22 times, but never succeeds.
Ximena continues to make out with Ricky despite his continued use of the fanny pack.
After a very weird shopping trip and an awkward discussion about rhinoplasty, Ximena and Ricky go dancing. WITH THE FANNY PACK. I can't.
6 —Paul and Karine
Paul and Karine get married.
Paul goes on a boat without a mosquito net.