Angela learns how to dress appropriate in Nigeria (oh wait, no she doesn’t), Jon reveals exactly how many people he’s beat the sh*t out of, and Brother Dean slut-shames AND mommy-shames Hazel in under two minutes.
I'm sad to report there is no snail swap this episode, but we still gots lots of juicy stuff. In this episode we see Darcey's kids be the most mature people on this TV show, Brother Dean arrive in the Philippines, and Karine pretend to be worried about marrying Paul.
Here's my recap of Episode 5: Seeds of Doubt.
1 — Angela and Michael
Let's start off with the biggest of the dumpster fires, all the way over at the Lagos Travel Inn, where Angela definitely isn't getting laid.
Michael is trying to explain to a livid Angela that she can't wear her Walmart tank top that's 3 sizes too small to meet his friends in a public place. Angela is still complaining about not knowing nothing about his culture, and he hasn't been adequately teaching her about it. Michael is trying to teach her something, and says she has got to wear something more appropriate. Angela is confused, since her outfit 'doesn't look hooch' back where she's from.
I"m pretty sure Michael isn't familiar with the word 'hooch.'
"You said I have to cover up my legs, but not my boobs, Michael!" Angela cries.
Her suitecase is a complete disaster, and she still has her ripped leggings and cowboy boots on.
Who brings cowboy boots to Nigeria?
Angela changes into another intensely hideous shirt, and asks an exasperated MIcahel if it looks better.
"Sure," is all he can muster.
Michael offers to do her hair under the guise of taking care of 'his woman,' but really he just wants to make sure she looks like a slightly higher-class type of crack addict.
They head out with Angela still in a tizzy, Michael reevalutating if it's worth putting up with this woman for the chance to meet Donny T. They never finisherd her hair and she looks like a disaster.
Angela shows up at the bar to meet Michael's friends, cell phone stuck to her boob.
Michaels' friends arrive, and Angela is comin' in hot, talking about the heat and how sweaty she is. She smokes.
They then let Angela know that an African man likes to be in charge.
This does not go over well with Angela.
I do not see this working out well.
This is best demonstrated by reactions.
What do you like about Angela, Michael's friends inquire.
She's going to take care of me, he responds.
Oh, Michael. You're really in for a surprise when you arrive in Georgia.
2 —Tarik and Hazel
Back in Manilla, Tarik jokes about how 10 of his first 24 hours in the Phillippines were spent in church with Hazel and her parents. Not exactly the romantic 'hello' he had probably envisioned when thinking about his Filipino Angela Jolie.
BROTHER DEAN HAS ARRIVED, PEOPLE.
Hazel is worried because Tarik has told her that Dean suspects her of being a gold digger.
When Dean meets Hazel, he looks her up and down as if assessing livestock, and decides she's pretty. He begins his interrogation with some simple slut-shaming (asking about her ex boyfriend), and continues with outright attack on her character saying that "You can tell a lot about a woman for how much she fights for her kids."
Hazel admits she had to give up her son when he was 3 because she didn't have enough money to feed him, and he now lives with his dad.
This is where shit gets real.
Wathing Hazel talk about having to give up her son is heartbreaking.
"It says a lot about a woman about how hard she fights for her kids, about that woman's character."
Take it easy, Dean.
Hazel starts crying and I don't blame her. I'm practically in tears and it's not even my kid. Hell, I don't even have kids.
So much for hanging out with brother Dean in Manilla!
Hazel runs away and Tarik takes after her in his mesh tank top.
3 — Ricky and... Melissa... and Ximena
Ricky is on the move in Medellin! He's got a great new purple shirt and is drinking mojitos alone in an empty bar in the middle of the day.
Hey, life could be worse.
Even though Ricky has been reaching out to Melissa 'every single hour,' she's still not responding (I wonder why?) so Ricky has moved on to the next victim... I mean... woman.
And then... the Ximena bombshell is dropped.
Ximena is GORGEOUS. I actually can't believe this beautiful Colombian woman is interested in Ricky's "bad boy beard face," as she describes it, but hey, everyone has their own thing.
It's gotta feel great to be this American man's second choice. Oh wait... Ximena doesn't know about Melissa.
Ricky texts Ximena to come to Medellin tomorrow, as she lives five hours away. She agrees instantly. Ricky manages to procure three bottles of wine, candles, chocolate, and a bag of fucking rose petals, in preparation for her arrival.
Well, make that two bottles of wine since he drinks one before she gets there.
Ximena is nothing like Melissa. Besides the fact that she doesn't look like a Westworld robot, she warm and appears to genuinely care for Ricky. She also believes Ricky came all the way to Colombia to meet HER.
Poor Ximena. Wait until she watches the first four episodes.
4—Paul and Karine
Paul is still struggling with Karine's inability to pick out the appropriate toilet cleaner at the grocery store, which is making him doubt whether not she can be a good mother. He's got to keep the house clean and make sure they have money, while she's busy keeping up with her Instagram friends. A child is really going to get in the way of her social media presence.
'Are you going to help change diapers?!' Paul wonders.
"I think you're an idiot," Karine says (via Siri.)
They're supposed to be getting married in one week, and now Karine is supposedly having doubts. I don't buy it for a second, since last time we saw these two, she was begging him to put a baby in her.
Karine's parents show up to talk about it and TLC brings in another translator to help with communication.
Side note: What's the status on this translator? Is he single? Can we get him on the show? His English is really good, he's cute, he's Brazilian, and I feel like we might be able to wrangle up someone slightly better than Angela for him.
The rest of the meeting with Karine's parents is pretty boring. She cries. She says Paul is mean to her. Her dad just sits there stone-faced.
Karine complains that Paul doesn't listen to her and this is most definitely true because HE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND A SINGLE FUCKING WORD SHE SAYS.
Then - SURPRISE - Karine agrees to marry Paul (again.).
We finish off Karine's storyline with her wedding dress shopping with her mom. Paul has promised he will change, so on with the wedding! Karine's mom starts to cry and I can't tell if she's worried for her daughter's safety or because she likes the dress.
5—Darcey and Jesse
Back in Connecticut, Darcey and Jesse create a fight out of nowhere, this time over his lack of interest in creating a grocery list for dinner.
Still in full man barrette, Jesse finally agrees to go to the grocery store. And boy is he glad he decides to go, since he finds a 'Darcey-sized carrot cake' that makes him giddy like a child at the circus.
While at the grocery store - still in man barrette - Jesse says something about diapers and Darcey jokes he wants a baby, and Jesse gets mad. Then this launches into a full out grocery store conversation about if Darcey can have kids.
Please, dear baby jesus, do not have children together.
Darcey's teenage daughters appear and once again prove they're the most mature people currently on this show. Aniko is doing homework in the car, and continues to do homework once she gets to the house. She could give two shits about the cameras that are there to video mommy's crazy boyfriend from Amsterdam.
Then shit just hits the fan when Darcey tries to show Jesse how to properly cut a steak.
"He's lashing out on her over a steak. I think it's dumb," state Aniko and Aspen.
Yes, girls, it is pretty dumb.
6 —John and Rachel
Rachel goes to meet Jon's friends, whose names are 'Tuck' and 'Turtle.' They're a real treat. Rachel has stepped up her game and is wearing a semi-decent coat, jeans, and a shirt that doesn't have cats on it. Meanwhile, Jon's friends are dressed quite smartly in blazers and button-down shirts. Jon is in his signature hoodie.
The banter with Tuck and Turtle is THE BEST.
"Didn't he steal every one of your girlfriends for the past 10 years?" Turtle asks Tuck.
Tuck isn't interested in talking about it further.
"So you guys met on a kareoke app?"
They go on to say of course Jon had to go "over the pond" to find someone to marry because he's "burnt himself out on England!" It's also good to know he is most likely "done womanizing" ad probably won't fight anymore now that he "isn't on the piss" all the time like he was in his younger years.
Rachel asks them if they think his fighting days are over, and they say Jon is most likely finished drinking and womanizing, so his Fight Club days are most likely over.
Rachel thinks his friends are 'trying to convince her there's nothing to worry about," but I'd argue they're doing a pretty shit job of covering for him.
Then Rachel decides to get some details about Jon's criminal past.
Rachel must not have thought it that important to ask Jon about why his US visa got denied, despite a year of talking every single day via Skype. It's unclear why it's taken her so f*cking long to do it, but she's finally curious about why he's been beating the shit out of people for over a decade.
I mean, just 50 or 60 fights. But.. "I'm not a violent person!" Jon claims. NBD!
Rachel is worried about what will happen when Jon gets angry. VALID CONCERN RACHEL. However, after a five minute conversation, she concludes Jon's violent behavior is a "risk worth taking." #YOLO!
"I'm not violent," Jon explains. "I'm protective."
At least Rachel finally has a cute hat and scarf.