Before the 90 Days: S2 E4 - Family Ties

Karine want that baby. And Jesse thinks pizza is distinctly NOT bullshit.

In this episode, Karine begs Paul to put a baby in her, Darcey cries a lot, and Tarik has a truly religious experience.

Here's my recap of Episode 4: Family Ties.

1 — Jon and Rachel

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It's Rachel's first morning in England and she looooves waking up next to Jon... in that disgusting Tshirt she went to bed in. Clearly it didn't come off. I'm sad for them.

Off they go - Jon, Rachel, and Lucy - to see Jon's sister. Rachel ditches her bedtime Tshirt for a sweater covered in Christmas cats. How will Jon keep his hands off her?

The offending cat sweater.

The offending cat sweater.

Abby is Jon's sister and she is unlike other English people I know. She has no filter. She has a pack of children. She talks about Jon's many, many past girlfriends:

"When Jon was younger, and when I say younger, I mean in the last two years..."

"I think it just hasn't been enough time yet to get boring."

When Jon mentions he has dated two women with children, Abby mimes a Pinocchio nose. 

Then, the bathtub scene. No, I'm not talking about sexy bath time with one's long-separated love. I'm talking about Jon carrying a cracked tub of water up a full flight of stairs so they can give Lucy a bath in a non-water-safe room. For some reason, this seems logical to both Jon and Rachel, since they act very surprised that water leads out of the tub and completely soaks Lucy's crib. 

I don't know much about babies, but I can tell you they should be bathed in a bathroom.

2 —Paul and Karine

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Paul, who is still in full security-guard attire in the middle of the f*cking Amazon, has 'moved in' with Karine. For anyone who didn't notice, he's also got antibacterial gel attached to his belt like a pager in the 90s. Karine, on the other hand, is chillin' in some loose-fitted pants and a crop top. Looking good, Karine.

I'm going to skip over the part where they go to register to get married, because it's quite boring, and skip straight to the part where Karine tries to lock Paul in by having a baby. All of a sudden, as if motivated by sheer fear, Paul busts out exactly 3 words of Portuguese. Caro (expensive)! Niño (child)! Casamiento (wedding)!

Karine is serious about this, because she wants them to 'argue less' and also because having a baby who will speak both Portuguese and English might be cheaper than hiring a translator every time they need to look at his criminal record.

Meanwhile, back at the apartment, Karine's gang of stuffed animals is getting out of hand. "She's so lazy!" Paul exclaims about her lack of interest in organizing her stuffed animals, and cleaning in general. Karine doesn't know what toilet cleaner to buy, and doesn't want to clean anything. I'm pretty sure Paul has never met any other 21-year-old, since he is surprised by this.


3 — Darcey and Jesse

The offending man barrette.

The offending man barrette.

Still in New York City, Jesse and Darcey order a tiny artisanal pizza for her birthday dinner. Darcey tries to tell Jesse about something that's distinctly American - folding New York slices of pizza - and Jesse tells her that's the dumbest thing he's ever heard. Then they get in a fight, and Jesse tells her the pizza is the only thing that's not bullshit.

I really do see them working towards a super healthy marriage.

Side Note: I hate Jesse's Burberry scarf. 

Darcey ditches her microphone and heels, and storms back to the hotel room, which looks like it has been run over by a band of traveling orphans. Jesse eventually comes back and tells Darcey she has no idea how much he loves her. 


But not to fear; Darcey's birthday celebration isn't over yet. She goes to dinner with Jesse AND her twin sister, and now Darcey has another person telling her she needs to fix herself. Happy Birthday, Darcey!

"I love you for you Darey"... except for your personality and the fact that you wear too much makeup, and the way you tell me to fold pizza.. and...


4— Hazel and Tarik

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Hazel has now adopted Tarik's fashion sense, opting for green flannel to compliment his red.

Tarik and Hazel are off to see her parents, and there's little I can say of comedic value here. Tarik calls it a humbling experience, and as they sit in an 8x8 room, on a single bed that takes up the entire room, it does feel humbling.

Tarik is expecting to be grilled by Hazel's parents on how suitable he is for their daughter, but really they just want to know how soon they're going to get married, and that Tarik isn't banging anyone else.

Hazel's hair still looks amazing.

And now, the moment we've all been waiting for: Tarik goes with Hazel and her parents to a 6-hour-long church service.

People are screaming. People are crying. Hazel's mother and father are talking in tongues. Tarik looks profoundly uncomfortable, but he sits through it all like a champ. I hope they gave the guy a bathroom break at some point.

Six hours later: Hazel's parents ask about Tarik's religion. He doesn't lie. "I pray all the time in my head," he responds. This seems to suffice for them, because they're still hellbent on getting Hazel to America.

And so ends Tarik's first 24-hours in the Philippines.

And then the biggest news yet: Brother Dean is coming tomorrow!



5—Ricky and "Melissa"

Camo, fanny pack, and do-rag. The newest trend.

Camo, fanny pack, and do-rag. The newest trend.

Ricky heads out into the wild in his fatigues, do-rag, and fanny pack, the perfect outfit for hanging out in downtown Medellin. 

Big surprise: Melissa is 'busy' with 'many plans,' and can't meet him. Ricky is sad, but the stock photography she sent him of a notebook seems to satiate any questions he had about excuses. 

Ricky talks to Cousin Carlos, since Cousin Carlos is like a wise owl everyone should call for advice. Ricky tells Carlos about a story he made up in his head where he 'turned the cheek' last night when Melissa tried to kiss him. 

I can't. 

I just can't. 

Carlos tells Ricky he's an idiot.

Then the promo drops a bomb: RICKY HAS A BACKUP GIRL IN COLOMBIA.

WHAT? I thought this guy was pathetic and had no game, but turns out he has some strategy in him.


7 —Angela and Michael

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I'd like to congradulate TLC on casting this couple. This is pure reality tv gold.

Watching Angela meet MIchael's mom is profoundly uncomfortable, but Angela has (very surprisingly) learned a few words of her language, proving she does have the Google skills necessary to "learn the rules" of Nigeria if she wanted.

Then, over a casual conversation about gun violence in America, Angela is served snails, and the infamous Snail Swap of 2018 occurs. I'm still trying to block it out of my mind forever.

Angela hands over the Lord's Prayer purse to Michael's mom (which some fans on Reddit claim is a conceal-and-carry handbag), but Mama rejects it, saying she wants Angela's animal print bag from Target.

In full Nicotine-craving mode, Michael drags Angela to the market. In Nigeria, couples wear matching outfits, and some TLC producer has convinced Michael they need to buy some clothes. Angela points out she's not Nigerian, in case we had forgotten, and that she doesn't want to wear African clothing. 

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Michael persists, and in a clothing store, Michael mentions that Angela "is fat." Simple as that. Angela.... does not respond well.

One piece of advice Angela - I honestly think you would kill it in one of those African dresses.


Well, that’s all for Episode Four. Next week I'm pumped to hear about Jon's 'bodily eye injury' that he inflicted on another human, Tarik's brother bringing a hurricane to the Philippines, and Jesse trying to tell Darcey how to cook because apparently she can't even do that right. And we get to meet Melissa 2.0 in Colombia.