I think Angela may have voted for Trump.
Whoa. This was a big episode. I have pages of notes. This show is making it pretty easy for me to write this recap, and also to podcast for an hour about it every week. I could talk for an hour just about Tarik alone.
Here are my Top 7 moments of Episode 3: Blindsided.
1 — Jon knows that "babies are human," but doesn't know that they don't requite toothpaste because they "don't have teeth."
Jon finally figures out where he parked his car in London after dragging Rachel and Lucy half way around the city for a few hours. Once in the vehicle, he tells Rachel "I want to be covered in you" and I threw up a little in my mouth imaging what that meant.
Even though the guy has a nursery set up for Lucy, complete with a blow-up seal I'm not sure she could play with even if she were old enough, he's clearly never touched or seen a human baby before. He gets stressed out in exactly 90 seconds and needs mummy to make him a cup of tea while he considers his life choices.
I know I mentioned this last week, but JON DID NOT PICK HER UP AT THE AIRPORT. I am still bitter about this. No amount of useless baby toys will make up for this fact.
2 —Paul reveals his pregnancy test reading skills are on par with his Portuguese.
Paul makes Karine take a pregnancy test, because he's afraid she's been banging other dudes while he's been... doing whatever he does in the States. He says this is the 'last test she has to take' to earn his trust. Karine does it to appease him, and then decides to f*ck with him and tell him it's positive. I legitimately laughed out loud at her sass.
Paul. Dear, dear Paul. If you're going to ask someone to take a test because you don't trust them, be prepared to INTERPRET THE RESULTS OF THAT TEST.
Meanwhile TLC hires an actual professional interpreter to come in so Paul can actually communicate with his fiance and her family. I'm pretty sure they wanted to make sure no juicy bits of knowledge were missed in this police report. It's really nothing that interesting - a little stalking, setting your own belongings on fire... pretty run-of-the-mill. Karine's mom declares, with the biggest smile, "I hope Paul doesn't hurt Karine because I would revolt against him." <Bigger smile.>
3 — Darcey wakes up in full makeup to read a love letter from Jesse that talks about her natural beauty.
We all know I love Darcey and I think she looks amazing. But girlfriend definitely uses some makeup.
I think it's just hilarious that her birthday present from Jesse was a love letter written on a piece of computer paper he clearly got from the hotel business center at the last minute. Hey, that pretty face doesn't pay the bills, ya know.
4 —Darcey's 11-year-old daughter has more life wisdom than Darcey herself.
Darcey's daughters can now join the club of other 90 Day Fiance contestants' kids ages 10-17 who are smarter than their parents. (I'm looking at you, Olivia daughter of Molly, and Amber daughter of Ricky.)
These two lovelies psychoanalyze their mother perfectly, with advice ranging from "you should take it slow, mom," to "Jesse has the same taste in trends as us because he's a millenial too!" Hilarious.
One last note: The 'family hug' on the boat was almost too much for me.
5 — Hazel teaches every woman how to sleep in a bed with a man you don't like by building a pillow barrier so he won't touch you.
Except he DOES touch you.
And it's s creepy.
She doesn't want to kiss you Tarik. Deal.
I have no words. Keep being a badass, Hazel.
6 —Ricky teaches us how long it's appropriate to wait for your date to show up.
How long should you wait for your date to show up at a restaurant?
Ricky says an hour.
No wait, it's 2 hours.
Well, maybe like 2 hours and 45 minutes, if that's when she actually shows up.
7 —Angela decides not to change her shirt after she gets off the plane, despite Nigeria's hot and humid climate on display via her armpits.
Pro tip, Angela. (I'm only saying this because I used to be your #1 fan, but since this display of reeeaaalllly overbearing affection for Trump, I've since corrected my opinion.)
If you're on a plane for longer than 12 hours, and you're a sweater, and you're going to meet someone you're romantically interested in for the first time, BRING DEODORANT. BRING A SPARE SHIRT. BRING SOME MAKEUP.
Girlfriend, I know you're in Nigeria, but you can dip into a restroom for a few minutes to freshen yourself up, and change your shirt so your pit stains aren't on display for all of America to see.
I'd like to personally apologize to all Nigerians on behalf of all Americans for that display.