There was so much drama on soshul meeja this week, I nearly forgot to watch the actual episode.
Debbie and Larissa fail at purchasing furniture that isn’t a snowman; Steven is relegated to hospital paperwork while Olga gives birth; Fernanda shows Myrtle Beach her inner telenovela; Asuelu talks about his sexy moves luring Kalani to wanna bang; Leida learns a new English word: “hoarder.”
Here’s what happened this week.
Larissa and Colt-ee
Larissa is sick of hanging out with snowmen in the living room, so her and Mama Deb go to a real furniture store to buy a sofa.
SPOILER: Larissa and Mama Deb have vastly different taste in furniture.
Larissa finds a couch she likes, but Mama Deb won't let her buy it, and, as we learn, she shares a bank account with Colt-ee, so she literally and figuratively holds the key to the castle.
Cousin Friendly’s is back, and he’s been tasked with having the ‘are-you-just-here-for-a-greencard’ discussion that is required in every 90 Day episode. His flower child wife is back as well, although she’s a little kinder than him.
Message for Cousin Friendly: If Larissa is only here “for money,” she has clearly chosen the wrong dude.
Steven and Olga
Every woman wants her significant other to treat her how Steven treats Olga when she has to leave for the hospital.
Put on my shoes. Help me with my coat. Drag my ass outside to the cab. Nice work Steven.
I genuinely feel bad for Steven when the nurse tells him in her blunt, Russian manner to get the f*ck out of the hospital. He can come back tomorrow.
Next week, we should finally see a birth.
Jonathan and Fernanda
To be fair, that girl was dancing with her fiancé.
Fernanda is bored… all day… pretty much every day…. so Jonathan takes her to the best place in North Carolina - MYRTLE BEACH.
They arrive at what must be a 18 and over club (which actually did look kind of fun). After 16 shots of Jack Daniels and a few whiskey gingers Jonathan gets groped by another woman on the dance floor just as Fernanda returns from the bathroom.
Drama ensues. Fernanda storms out of the club Telenovela style. Fernanda may create drama, but hey, she looks great doing it.
Ashley and Jay
Take note, every other couple on this show, that THIS is how you welcome your significant other to their new country.
Rather than buying Jay one pathetic Philly cheesesteak to share between 5 people, Ashely throws a welcome party for Jay. <GASP>
Ashley’s friend Natalie pulls Jay aside to question him (again) about the <alleged> cheating, so now she is OUT of the wedding. Nice work, Natalie. Next time, keep your mouth shut. Now you don’t get to wear that fabulous pink sequin bridesmaid gown, but it’s all your fault so I don’t feel bad for you.
Asuelu and Kalani
Asuelu, Kalani, and baby head to the park. Asuelu rambles nonsense to the baby as he swings him. I could watch this scene for the entire two-hour episode.
We learn that Kalani is basically asking Asuelu for the D every day, because of his sexy moves. I don’t blame her - she spent many ‘a year in that magic underwear and now my girl is ready for some action.
Next we meet up with Kolini. Or Kolani. Or Koloni. Shit. I honestly can’t remember her f*cking name. I also don’t know if I hate Kalani’s sister, or if I want to make out with her. I go back and forth.
Eric and Leida
We finally see the scene that has been teased since the Season 6 trailer. Leida arrives at Eric’s apartment and learns two new English words: ‘hoarder’ and ‘air couch.’
Seriously though, this apartment is GROSS.
Go home while you can, girl.
Next week Asuelu breaks car seat laws; Leida’s family gently reminds her that Wisconsin is no place to raise a child; Colt proposes to Larissa (WTF? Isn’t she here on a FIANCE visa?); Jay gets a hair cut; Coltee tells Larissa she ain’t gettin’ no leather sofa.