Episode 3 brings some fun… and a few genuine tears (STOP IT 90 DAY!)
Jonathan DOES have hangers, people; Steven is the first person on this show to ever bring a reasonable amount of luggage (and it’s all filled with baby stuff); Asuelu searches for coconuts; Larissa wants a bigee house with a pool; Mama Deb schools Larissa about breakfast.
Here’s what happened this week.
Steven and Olga
Steven lands in Russia speaking way more Russian than Pole learned of Portuguese over the course of two years. (Unfortunately Steven seemingly didn’t do the same amount of research on the dollar - ruble exchange rate.)
Steven’s very-reasonable-amount-of-luggage is mostly full of (surprisingly) useful baby supplies. Am I the only viewer who wants to see the footage of this 20-year-old in a Target buying a nursing pillow? Why did TLC not get this on camera?
We follow Olga and Steven as they settle into their apartment, work out the details of birthing a small human in a Russian hospital, and shopping for the baby.
It’s really hard to make fun of the whole thing because it’s all quite endearing.
Coltee and Larissa
Larissa no happy on Mars, but more importantly, Larissa is not happy with Cookie Dookie.
Cookie Dough is overweight and on his (her?) way to cat diabetes.
There are a lot of issues in the Coltee household, most of which revolve around Larissa and Mama Deb. Larissa won’t eat Mama Deb’s beef stew, and Mama Deb counters by snubbing Larissa’s breakfast.
This is the first time in Coltee’s life he’s had two women fighting over who can make him most happy… with food.
Overall vibe - this is gonna be rough.
Jonathan and Fernanda
Fernanda needs hangers, people. And Jonathan provides.
I don’t want to get too serious, but Fernanda’s mother, brother, and sister are pretty adorbs, as was this whole scene with her talking to her family. They’re very close, and you can tell the separation is difficult. It was really touching to see them so sad to be apart.
WHOA, too serious. I need more scenes with Jonathan throwing hangers around.
Quick shout out to Dani for being the most awesome friend.
Asuelu and Kalani
Asuelu has a lot to get used to in California. These trees don’t have coconuts and the beach is full of trash. You ain’t in Samoa anymore, dear ray of sunshine.
While on the beach, Asuelu tears up telling Kalani he’s worried her family won't accept him. (How is that even possible!? screams every viewer aloud.) Kalani doesn’t do much to assure him otherwise.
DON’T CRY ASUELU DEAR GOD PLEASE DO NOT CRY.
Later that day, Family Kalani has dinner with Asuelu. I can barely pay attention to the conversation because I’m so blinded by Sister Kalani’s beauty.
Meanwhile, across America, thousands of women are logging into SamoaDate.com.
Ashley and Jay
We meet more of Jay’s family in this episode, and we learn that his dad is a gyalis, which is Jamaican for “banging loads of ladies.”
We also get to see Poochie again. My only wish in life is to look exactly like Poochie if and when I’m 8.5 months pregnant.
Jay and Ashley arrives in PA and it’s cold. Not like FEBRUARY cold, but like APRIL cold.
Jay really likes carpet.
Jay doesn’t like Pennsylvania-in-April-cold.
Eric and Leida
Leida’s family arrives in the US to see if they should chain her up and drag her back to Indonesia with her son in tow. They’re (rightfully) suspicious of Eric.
“We aren’t sure we can leave her in this shithole,” says Leida’s dad.
He’s not wrong. They basically slept among mice the night before in that Pennsylvania cabin. (A listener sent me a screenshot of the mouse. This is truth.)
The whole family loads up in Eric’s American-sized car and they head to Philadelphia.
Why Philadelphia? Great question.
Because, “It’s historical.”
Next week we learn about Coltee’s ‘healthy sex drive’; Jonathan accrues even more hangers; Natalie accuses Jay of cheating on Ashley (SPOILER: He didn’t); Leida arrives at Eric’s disgusting apartment where mold is growing on old coffee cups; And I don’t know what happens with Steven and Olga because my DVR cut out before I could see the rest of the preview. Sorryyyyy…
I know one thing - I better not see my poor dear sweet innocent Asuelu cry again or I am driving the length of California to find and rescue him. The end.