In Episode 9: Things are tumbling downhill very quickly as every couple turns into a complete shitty dumpster fire that I barely want to watch at all; Nearly everyone is threatening to call the police; Mama Tania proves herself to be the most reasonable person on this show.
If you’ve decided to actually keep watching this season, here’s what happened this week.
Coltee and Larissa
Larissa regrets throwing that huge cubic zirconia in Coltee’s face ten minutes before, so she comes back downstairs in hopes of getting Coltee’s forgiveness.
“I need you to defend me against your insane cousin,” says Larissa.
“No,” says Coltee.
“OK,” says Larissa.
They kiss and make up.
Later two random people that TLC paid to be friends of Colt for a couple of hours show up. They seem very nice.
Larissa, Colt, and fake-friends-couple all load up in Coltee’s car without air conditioning (for dramatic affect? Do these people not have a car?) and head to the restaurant.
Larissa, having encountered another American male for the first time that isn’t John or Colt, asks the valid question: “Do American men complement women… like… ever?”
Fighting continues, and fake-friends-couple wonders if they’re going to get the free dinner they were promised.
Eventually Coltee says something nice to Larissa, and she’s happy… for now.
Leida and Eric
Last week Eric actually defended his progeny, but this week he backpedals and confirms that Leida is his priority.
I guess it’s a good think Tasha has another parent.
Eric goes to a barbershop with his father, and it’s 10% as entertaining as Jay’s trip to the barbershop. Eric’s father seems lovely, and gently tells Eric is his Wisconsin accent that he needs to put his kids first.
“No, Leida priority,” Eric responds.
Later, Mother Tasha meets up with Leida.
“Is there a reason you’ve been an asshole to my kids” Mother Tasha asks. (I’m paraphrasing here.)
Leida responds with the above facial expression.
Kalani, Asuelu, and Baby #2
Kalani is pregnant.
Pictured above: How Kalani feels about this news.
How did this happen? Because CONDOMS ARE FOR SLUT PEOPLE, duh.
Asuelu is overjoyed about the pregnancy. He wants a big family.
Kalani is upset, but decides…. for the 10th time… she’s still going to marry Asuelu.
Ashley and Jay
Natalie comes over and pounds on the door as if she were an entire SWAT team.
“I’m not a calling the police kind of guy, but should we call the police?” Jay asks Ashley.
Ashely talks to Natalie outside. The exchange some uninteresting words.
Natalie races off on her scooter. It was highly entertaining.
Steven and Olga
The only funny part of this storyline was the Russian photo studio.
See results above.
Otherwise, I could barely watch. I didn’t think it could get worse. Sorry, not sorry, this storyline was not entertainment this week.
Will the temperature of the dumpster fire reach 2500 degrees? Because that’s the temperature that a steel dumpster would melt at. I’m pretty sure we’re just about there.