In Episode 8: Larissa goes wedding dress shopping at a store where there are zero dresses in her budget; Cousin Lea shows up sans flower headband; Leida asks Eric to disown his children and give her $1000 a month instead; and Steven finds the best (Russian) immigration lawyer ever on this show.
Here’s what happened this week.
Coltee and Larissa
This girl has more one-liners than anyone on tv, and English isn’t even her first language.
Debbie takes Larissa to buy a wedding dress at a store where there isn’t a single dress within her budget. Debbie, like most old people, has zero idea what wedding gowns actually cost, and thinks $1000 is an abominable budget for such a ridiculous item.
Thankfully there is a third wheel on this expedition, and it’s Cousin Lea - a.k.a Flower Headband. (However, she’s chosen to forgo the flower headband for today... wait for it…)
Larissa comes out in her dream dress, at the price of $2400, and Debbie gawks. (It looks good. Super hot.)
“Why don’t you buy a nightgown instead?”
No one wears nightgowns, Debbie. Gross.
I believe Mama Debbie is the reason the phrase Debbie Downer was invented.
How is it that Debbie controls the wedding dress budget? I must point out that I’ve seen Cookie Dookie on Instagram with some pretty fancy dresses. I think Coltee and Debbie could get Larissa JUST ONE OF THE THINGS THEY’VE TAKEN HER SHOPPING FOR. She can’t have a biggee car, she can’t have a sofa, she can’t have an apartment, CAN WE PLEASE GET THIS GIRL A F*CKING WEDDING DRESS?
And then, in Part 2 of Larissa and Colt, we get what we’ve all been waiting for:
YAS QUEEN YAAAAS. Bring it.
There is so much more to break down here, but we’ll address it in the podcast.
PS: Colt’s cousin isn’t very nice, although Lea seems super chill, and someone I would totally hang out with.
Leida and Eric
Buckle in, folks. This is about to get messy.
We start where we left off last episode - with Leida and Eric in the car fighting over an $7000 bed.
Leida is sick of the ‘teeny tiny bed’ and initially I’m on her side… for exactly 4 seconds.
Leida then starts raving about child support. She’s calculated this, folks, and it looks like it’s taking $1000 a month from Eric’s paycheck.
“Do you want me to give up my parental rights or give you $1000 a month?” Eric asks.
“BOTH,” she says. “Because I deserve it.”
Leida tells Eric she doesn’t want to marry him, but she also doesn’t want to leave the country.
“… cause I have a lot of opportunity to pursue my medical career in here.”
Eric asks her if she loves him or is only here for the Green Card. I think it’s pretty clear to everyone watching what the answer is.
As of now, the wedding is off. Eric did stand up for himself, saying it was ‘inhumane’ and ‘morally wrong’ to put Leida over his children.
And suddenly I’m Team Eric. Whodathunkit.
Kalani, Asuelu, and Sister Kalani
Sister Kalani has to go home and Kalani is ‘stuck <in Utah>.’
It really must suck to be stuck in a sweet house, rent-free, with your son and husband-to-be!
Kalani needs to have a. talk with Asuelu to tell him why she doesn’t want to marry him anymore.
Then they have a conversation about how to communicate better, but I fell asleep. Last I heard, Asuelu was crying about cuddling and Kalani maybe wanted to marry him again. I hope they figured it out.
Ashley and Jay
Jay and Ashley are putting up security cameras because they are rocked by the racist messages received on their wedding website.
They have the bridesmaid over to tell them some big news: They aren’t having the wedding anymore. They’re eloping to Vegas.
“That sounds hot,” says bridesmaid #1, and it’s safe to say they’re not pissed off in the slightest.
Steven and Olga
It’s possible that Steven isn’t necessarily ‘on top of’ the visa paperwork for his wife and child, so he pays a visit to the best immigration lawyer we’ve ever seen on this show. SPOILER: He’s Russian.
Steven only has enough money to stay in Russia for two months, and he needs to figure out US citizenship for his son.
“So what are the steps for citizenship for my kid?” Steven asks the immigration lawyer.
“CITIZENSHIP EASY PERSONAL DATA TAKE FORM OK PRINT FORM TAKE MOSCOW OK BYE,” says the immigration lawyer (pictured above).
Will Larissa get a wedding dress or be forced to go to Good Will?
Will Cousin John calm the f*ck down?
Will Lea forgo her flower headband for a second day?
Will Larissa and Colt take over the entire two hours of this show?
I sure hope so.