In Episode 7: Larissa nearly dies of heat exposure while driving in Coltee’s car; Eric is emasculated during a visit to the florist; Sister Kalani has some amazing facial expressions; and I end up googling the conversion rate of the Indonesian Rupiah after learning Leida’s last wedding cost $300,000.
Here’s what happened this week.
Coltee and Larissa
Do we need any other couples this season?
Colt loads Larissa up in his air-conditionless vehicle, and Larissa whips out her hand-held fan for minimal relief.
DEAR GOD CAN SOMEONE GET THIS WOMAN SOME F*CKING AIR CONDITIONING.
I. Would. Not. Last. One. F*cking. Minute.
Coltee takes Larissa to go look at another things she wants, that he will wave in front of her like a carrot, but will never actually buy for her. (This time it’s an apartment.)
Larissa wants privacy because “Debbie is like a cat. She disappear, but she appear whens’s the time to make your life hell.” Larissa is the queen of one-liners.
Coltee says they couldn’t POSSIBLY leave Debbie by herself. THEN WHY ARE YOU F*CKING APARTMENT SHOPPING?
Family Coltee is just chillin’ on NOT ONE, BUT TWO BRAND NEW F*CKING SOFAS.
Ashley and Jay
Jay and Ashley had a fight.
He slept on the couch. (So much for ‘givin’ her the D’ every night.)
Now, like normal people, they made up.
I don’t want to talk about all the racist comments they were reading online because it’s just depressing. I really hope the people making those comments were not people that attended their wedding.
One last note. Ashley posted on her instagram that she was struggling with a Lupus outbreak during the end of filming this season. That’s why she looks a little tired. Lupus, cancer, violent sexual assault - what hasn’t this girl been through?! I give her serious credit for getting out of bed in the morning and being a good mother to her two kids.
Kalani, Asuelu, and Sister Kalani
Sister Kalani is back and hotter than ever. That hair. I mean, is it for real?
The sisters go wedding dress shopping. They bring the baby because Asuelu can’t even be trusted with a gold fish.
When they arrive at the wedding dress store, it’s still light outside, and when they leave, it’s dark. They were there for a while. But Kalani only tries on one dress (FRAUDIN) and ‘can’t commit to anything,’ so they leave empty-handed.
Later, Sister Kalani goes out in public with Kalani and Asuelu.
Asuelu recounts to Sister Kalani his dream of moving to America and marrying a sugar mama.
Sister Kalani makes facial expressions (see above.)
Eric and Leida
Eric and Leida go to see the wedding venue that Eric organized prior to her arrival in the US.
Eric organized this wedding?
Leida talks about her last wedding, which entailed 1,000 white horses, 4,000 peacocks, and a golden goose that produced golden eggs for each of the 2,000 gwestes.
“My family paid $300,000 for that wedding.”
I’m really hoping she has the conversion rate wrong. That’s literally over 1 billion Indonesian Rupiahs.
Then Eric and Leida trot off to the florist, because flowers are more important than sleeping on an actual bed at night, right?
When Eric and Leida arrive at the florist, Leida pulls up pictures of her wedding in Indonesia.
Nothing makes your husband-to-be feel better than showing your florist pictures of your PREVIOUS wedding and saying, “maybe something like this?”
Meanwhile Eric and Leida are sleeping on a box spring on the floor. (Not a mattress, a BOX SPRING.)
“Alessandro is sleeping on the mattress on the floor,” Leida informs us, her head of beautiful hair sticking to her neck, since I estimate it’s hotter in this apartment than in Coltee’s car.
Then they go furniture shopping, and Leida wants to buy a couch. A COUCH?
BUY A BED DEAR GOD PLEASE. Let’s move over to the BED section of this store!
The couch costs $2500, which is exactly what their wedding flower budget is.
They leave the furniture store empty-handed.
EVERYONE ON THIS SHOW LEAVES STORES WITHOUT BUYING A GODDAM THING. CAN SOMEONE PLEASE BUY SOMETHING.
Steven and Olga
Steven is determined to have a nice family outing at the park.
The problem? Neither Steven or Olga know exactly how to put a baby in a car seat.
“Why do these car seats have to be so complicated!?” Steven yells. (I kind of agree. I don’t think I could install that car seat either.)
Now the baby starts crying, as if on cue.
Summary: They don’t take the baby to the ‘fancy park.’
No one wants to be in American anymore.
WHO IS AGAINST THE QUEEN WILL DIE.