Episode 5 brings us the birth of a babe, and many more arguements about Wisconsin living conditions.
Larissa and Coltee go sexy car shopping; Olga has her baby and Russian doctor makes fun of Steven for crying; Fernanda and Jonathan make a soft core porn in a gym; Indonesian-father-in-law talks about suitable living conditions for humans; Kalani teaches us how to eat Cheetos in the car.
Here’s what happened this week.
Larissa and Colt-ee
Let’s go shopping for a sexy car!
Larissa wants a sexy car, and the only criteria is that it has air conditioning.
Colt prefers a slightly nicer tin can than the one he already has.
Jason-The-Salesman brings out a nice black SUV, completely suitable for a software developer and his wife. Coltee says it’s NOT REASONABLE.
Jason then brings out the ugliest car on the lot.
With a budget of $10,000, they’re not going to get the luxury that Larissa wants. There’s just so many expenses, Coltee says.
Maybe Cookie Dough can be sent to work in the factory?
Later Colt proposes to Larissa in the highest restaurant in Vegas, even though she is terrified of heights.
Kyle and I retract everything nice we said about Colt-ee after Episode 1.
Steven and Olga
Olga has her baby and they film the C-section. I have no comments on this part because I couldn’t even watch, but I definitely do not want someone - especially my husband - massaging my face while I get birthing-surgery.
The baby is born, Steven cries, and the Russian doctor makes fun of him. This is the land of Putin, after all. No softies here, people!
Jonathan and Fernanda
Jonathan and Fernanda have been ‘working on communication,’ which means they’re a normal couple, and there’s barely any drama. They’re already at 50 days to wed, while we’re still catching up on Week 1 drama with all the other couples.
Thus, nothing that interesting happened this episode, except a seriously gym session that may have been soft core porn.
Ashley and Jay
Despite the racism that Jay experiences at the local Mechanicsburg Farmer’s market, he still manages to get super excited about pickles - which are considered ‘high class’ in Jamaica… I’m assuming in the same camp with white sugar.
Jay also takes a fun trip to the barbershop, and I wonder if I can go there too one day. The barbershop guys all give Jay the same advice: Don’t get married!
Kalani, Asuelu, Baby, and Brother Kalani
The long-awaited car seat scene is finally revealed, and we see Kalani go ape shit on Asuelu when he takes Oliver out of his car seat.
Kalani waves her Cheeto-hand violently in the air, telling Asuelu YOU CAN’T TAKE A F*CKING BABY OUT OF A CAR SEAT!
OK, I think eh understands now.
Asuelu gives her the silent treatment for the rest of the episode, until Brother Kalani gifts him a condom upon arrival in Utah.
“Condoms are for slut people!” Asulelu concludes.
Eric and Leida
There’s a new Father-in-Law in the house, and it’s not Polish-Father-in-Law.
It’s Indonesian-Father-in-Law. And he is f*cking terrifying.
I would literally do anything this man commanded of me. Clean the house? Yes sir. Move home to Indonesia with my son and new husband? OK.
Indonesian Father In Law has a way better house in Indonesia. It’s bigger, better, and cleaner.
I DO call FRAUDIN on this whole apartment scene. SERIOUSLY, Leida is going to bring her entire family over and Eric STILL hasn’t cleaned up? It’s also COMPLETELY UNLIKELY that she had NO IDEA what Eric’s apartment looked like before she came. She wasn’t concerned about where her 5-year-old son was going to live?
Hmmmm… something smells fishy. And it’s not just the dead fish in Eric’s kitchen trashcan.