Season 6 Episode 2 brings us so many delicious treats.
This week we experience not one… not two… but THREE airport meet-and-greets, including a dance that impressed everyone - except its intended audience. We also witness a little too much pre-giving-her-the-D in a hotel room, poorly packed luggage, Colt having emotions for the first time, and Larissa’s extreme affinity for flowers.
One thing’s for sure: WE NEED MORE COOKIE DOUGH IN THIS EPISODE.
Here’s what happened this week.
Colt and Larissa
Colt and his mom Debbie drive around aimlessly in their dented 1993 Honda that doesn’t have air conditioning. WHO DOES NOT HAVE AIR CONDITIONING IN VEGAS DUDE IT IS LIKE 120 DEGREES PLEASE DEAR GOD BUY A CAR.
Colt and his mother talk about how they’re going to handle Colt being intimate with a woman in the house.
“If my bedroom door is closed, don’t bother me!” Colt’s mom says. “You don’t know who I’M going to have over!” I secretly hope Debbie ends up getting busy before Colt and Larissa.
Off Colt goes to pick up his soon-to-be wife, sans flowers. He is full of emotions, possibly for the first time in his life.
Larissa shows up asking about the lack of flowers.
I’m not sure Colt knows where to purchase flowers.
“THERE!” she says, pointing to a vending machine, full of flowers.
“$20 for flowers? You don’t know how much parking is, sweetheart.”
He WILL give her compliments though. Those are free.
(UPDATE: Five interviews later, Larissa is STILL TALKING ABOUT THE F*CKING FLOWERS.)
Larissa compares Vegas to Mars… and I’m not sure it’s in the way that Colt would be excited about going to Mars.
I’m worried for my boy Colt.
Eric and Leida
Eric is sooo ready for his hot young fiancé Leida to JUST GET HERE ALREADY. He’s going to adopt her son Alessandro, while telling his existing daughter who lives with him to take a f*cking hike already!
Eric doesn’t want to take Leida, her sister, and her son directly back to his pigsty in Bonaboo, so they fly into New York so Eric can take them somewhere good first.
Except he doesn’t take them somewhere good. He takes them to Pennsylvania.
It doesn’t matter where they’re going, since they can barely leave the airport because Eric can’t load luggage correctly.
IT HAS TO BE IN F*CKING PROPER ERIC. MAKE IT WORK.
Bet Leida really regrets ‘accidentally’ clicking on that internet ad now. Congrats, you won a man who can’t even load up your luggage PROPER.
Jonathan and Fernanda
Luckily, we spend very little time pondering Jonathan and Fernanda’s fabricated fight over the planted not-Fernanda’s thong.
“It’s from years ago!” Jonathan claims.
“CLEAN UP YOUR SHIT!” Fernanda retorts. (Excellent point, Fernanda.)
TLC hypes a political conversation about The Wall with Jonathan’s southern friends, but it never really happens. Booooo.
Kalani and Asuelu
This episode we all completely understand why Kalani said “F*ck you, virginity” and decided to bang Asuelu on vacation.
Asuelu shows up and does a special birthday dance for Kalani that includes humping air and swimming on the airport floor.
The dance is a huge hit with everyone… except Kalani.
“I’ll bang you if she doesn’t want to,” says a passerby. Yeah, me too.
On the way home, Asuelu explains he knows how to take care of pigs and chickens, but has never cared for a human baby.
What else does Asuelu have to say about America?.
“The roads are too wide!” (Hey, he’s not wrong.)
Ashely and Jay
Ashley heads to Jamaica to support Jay during his visa interview.
After we watch them dry-hump in a hotel room, Jay explains he’s nervous, even though their relationship is #legit.
“I’m not going to bang someone I’m disgusted by just to get to America!” Jay explains, inadvertently describing half the people on this show.
SPOILER: His interview goes well and he’s off to America with a K1 in hand! Whew.
Steve and Olga
Steven is about to get on a plane to see the birth of his son. He’s only 20 years old and he never expected to be a father so young, especially with a Russian girl he’d only known for 6 weeks.
“I’m REALLY nervous about the airplane flight!” he says.
Olga is super hot, so it will all be worth it, I’m sure!
“Is having your first baby difficult?” Steven asks his grandparents.
“Yeah, you kind of just wing it,” Grandma explains.
Well, that’s exactly what Steven is doing, Gramps.
“I’m worried that Olga is going to look different, being 9 months pregnant,” Steven says.