90 Day Fiancé: S6 E1 - The Clock is Tickin'

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Season 6 Episode 1 definitely delivered.

This week we met a man/boy who produces orgasms with nothing but a tattoo needle, a sassy 19-year-old who reportedly ‘has opinions,’ a man with a cat named cookie-dough that he dresses up… in dresses, an Orange County-bound Samoan, and a former Marine who is dying to kick his daughter the f*ck out of his apartment to make room for his new wife.

Oh 90 Day. You just keep bringing the goods. Here’s what happened this week.

Kalani and Asuelu

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Kalani met Asuelu when she was on vacation in Samoa. He was the Director of Activities in the resort where she was staying, and after ‘semi-stalking’ her for a few hours, they started hanging out. In other words, their relationship is basically the plot of a bad rom com.

Still, it worked out: Mormon Kalani saw Asuelu with his shirt off and shed her Mormon virginity like a sheep in summer, and then had a baby. (Her Mormon family was really excited about this.)

Now Asuelu is leaving his coconuts behind to come to California and raise his son with Kalani. He looks like a nutty one, so I’m excited to watch these two this season.

Jonathan and Fernanda

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While in Mexico at a wedding, Bro Jonathan went out to da club and met 19-year-old Fernanda.

Jonathan had already spend half his life partying and womanizing as a college athlete, so he decided to buy her some new tits and give marriage a try.

On her first day in the US, Fernanda immediately finds some skanky underwear (not hers) in Jonathan’s dresser drawer, almost as if they were planted there. (?!?!)

Off to a great start.

Ashley and Jay

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Hold on to your panties, ladies, Jay is comin’ at you, and he’s going to give you one huge orgasm with his tattoo needle. He’s been pleasuring ladies… including his ‘father’s woman’ from Florida… since he was 8 years old.

Ashley is a bartender who has a penchant for self defense and has been engaged twice. Both dudes cheated on her. Jay seems like a way safer bet.

Cheers to Ashley for keeping the attention on outlandish Jay instead of her two undoubtedly adorable children. Can’t wait for more dancing and “givin’ her the D.”

Eric and Leida

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Princess Leida hails from a wealthy family in Indonesia. She allegedly came in 5th in the Miss Indonesia contest a decade ago. (In other words, she peaked in high school.)

WTF is this chic doing with dopey ERIC? I wonder.

Then we meet her 5-year-old. Ahh, that’s why.

Leida is coming next week, so Eric has a heart-to-heart with his daughter, who lives with him.

“Get the f*ck out,” he tells her. He needs room in his tiny, disgusting apartment for his new queen.

“I”ll do my best,” says daughter.

Colt and Larissa

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Colt, the only good and semi-sane human in the Season 6 cast, has three cats and their names are Cookie Dough, Baby Girl, and Sugar.

Also:

  • I’m not made of tickets.

  • We don’t all drive rocket cars in America.

  • I’m going to hate eat this croissant now.

That’s all you need to know about Colt. He’s a total f*cking baller.

That’s all for Episode One! Next week I look forward to seeing Colt buy more plane tickets, Jonathan getting a bed to sleep in, Asuelu making a grand entrance in the airport, and Jay swingin’ that D around.

WHO IS AGAINST THE QUEEN WILL DIE!!!!!!